FIBEAR SPEAKS: A Crocheter's Christmas

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“O holy crap! This sweater’s due tomorrow, 

The sleeves aren’t done and the neckline’s a mess. 

Why didn’t I start all this in September?

For now I’m drinking to counter all this stress. 

My brain is gone; I’m starting to hear voices, 

I want to break my crochet hooks in half. 

Fall to the floor! Swear here! And make some choices,

Make sleeves or to sleep? Oh why do you have two arms? 

A vest! Oh yes! Some scotch, and I’ll be fine.”

A Crocheter’s Christmas carol; sung to the tune of O Holy night

Happy Winter Solstice holiday of your choice my dear readers! I’ve noticed lately a number of posts regarding what your families and significant others are getting you all for the winter holiday. Loud moans and gnashing of teeth as you wonder why after dropping all these hints about a gift certificate to your LYS or a nice set of rosewood hooks, they get you that plaque with the singing fish on it. You know the one I’m talking about. No one has ever presented me with this piece of carp because they know that I will cheerfully thank them to their faces and then bludgeon them to death with it the minute their back is turned so they won’t see it coming.

Shame on all of you! This is the season for holly, jolly, and other things ending in olly! You should instead be wondering what-all you can make for your friends, family, and loved ones and present to them the thoughtful gift of your time, blood, sweat & tears in fiber form so they know you slaved over their gift for months and feel terribly guilty. Still, the question remains, of what fiber shall I crochet this amazing gift; my dear Fibear? Please use the following chart as a helpful guide to all of your last minute holiday gift making plans.

Fiber choices: 

Acrylic- Now you can find perfectly nice synthetic fibers these days, and I solidly recommend them to anyone strapped for cash. Besides, unless your recipient is also a fiber enthusiast, do you really think someone is going to hand-wash that merino scarf? No, and then he’ll just wash the darn thing in the washing machine and it will felt to the size of a doll’s handkerchief and then you have no other option but to plan your brother’s total destruction! (Sorry, it’s not about my personal betrayals, even though they are legion. Am I bitter? Absolutely.)

Now that having been said, any fiber made by the twins; you know, Polly and Esther? Yeah, that’s saved for the dogs who will love you anyways, Babies who need things that are indestructible, or people you hate. You’ve all got at least one, don’t lie. He knows when you’ve been bad or good!

Plant Based fibers- They are now making absolutely fantastic non-animal based fibers out of completely renewable or recycled resources. These yarns feel great and come in a variety of earth friendly colours sure to please all the squirrel licking tree hugging hippies in the family. The plus side to these fibers is that they will soak up all the patchouli and sandalwood oil the recipients douse themselves in. And before I get hate mail, I happen to BE a squirrel licking tree hugging tofu eating hippie.

Wool- The good old standby, creating thousands of itchy little children for centuries. 

Merino- I’m for any fiber that means naked goats. For those that don’t know, I happen to be terrified of goats. Picture it, 1980, and your humble Fibear is just a little Cub of a thing (literally a little cub, I was three years old). I’m at a petting zoo, and like any other small child, love playing with all the baby animals. It’s December, Christmas time, and I’m paying special attention to all the manger-based animals. Sheep, Cows, Pigs, what have you. Then I see the cute little goat. I toddle over to this evil Minion of Darkness and innocently offer him a handful of feed from my chubby little toddler fist. This Hellspawn on four legs decides he prefers the drawstrings of my hood instead. Now this is the early 80’s. Do y’all remember the snowsuits they made us wear back then? I looked like the Stay-puff Marshmallow man from the end of Ghostbusters. The Goat grabs my drawstring, yanks me off my feet, and starts dragging me across the length of the paddock to my certain death by Goat ingestion. I cannot right myself because of the puffy snowsuit. I’m lying there, flailing my arms and legs like an upended turtle. Obviously I was saved, but not until my loving parents finished wetting themselves rolling around the dirt laughing at my expense. Why yes, I’m in therapy, why do you ask?..

Alpaca- This is my “nice gift” fiber of choice. Suitable for gifts for sweethearts or significant others. Of course I don’t HAVE one of those, but if I ever get one, they will have nice scarves and hats to wear. 

Cashmere- this fiber exists solely for moms. She gave birth to you after ninety seven hours of excruciating labor barefoot in the snow uphill both ways with no drugs, She deserves nice things. Of course you could call or write once in awhile too but no it’s ok. 

Seriously, trust me, Cashmere is your one way ticket off the guilt train.

Quiviut- This fiber is made from the soft downy undercoat of a musk ox. It’s also fifty dollars an ounce. This fiber is reserved for reincarnated deities and/or someone you have been married to for over ninety years. 

Happy Holidays to all, and may your Center-pull skeins never tangle.

Joshua, the Fibear.